Names That are Dead

Something occurred to me tonight as I sat watching the closing credits of First Blood (a.k.a Rambo I), some names are over. As the names raced up the screen an idea started smoking in my mind. It burst into flames when I saw the name of the movie's Hog Handler Hubert Oaks. Some names are fucking dead. Gone. Finito. Bill, done. Donald, nope. Fred, yeah right. Nancy, not ever. Don't even talk to me about Gertrude. Every Gertrude there was has one foot in the grave or is six feet in the earth. How does this happen? How do names go from in vogue to names like....DICK!? Yeah, Richard isn't shitty enough, lets change it to DICK. "Richard, what's happening!?"

How many 82 year old Ethans do you know? 62 year old Scott's? How bout a 17 year old Don? Is this phenomenon being studied in some sociology class somewhere? Should I start production on the documentary stat?

I plan on getting to the bottom of this thing sometime soon, but until then I will be cataloging the names of the deceased names here. Feel free to make suggestions.

Gotta start with:
Gertrude
Nancy
Fred
Hugh
Beatrice
Joan
Gene
Jean
Lesley
Leslie(born to play softball and dip)
Marty
Mort
Mortimer(born to undertake)
Arthur
Theodore(this one should come back)
Ebenezer
Fucking Judy
Don
Phyllis
Herbert
Herb
Gary( this has to be a recent development, but do you know a Gary under 35?)
Ray
Albert
Al
Jack( according to Travis, Jack was the Ben of the 50's. I agree, laughing my ass off.)
Pam
Jerry
Winston
Walter
Larry
Terry
Barry
Bobby( for some reason this name pisses me off, if you are named Bobby chances are I am going to secretly hate you for no reason.)
Billy
Willy
Nelly
Randy
Harry!?
Penny
-y in general
Constance
Conny
Sal
Bob
Archibald( I have to admire this one for its intrinsic awfulness. Archibald and Ebenezer deserve each other.)
Clyde(this one should never have died. Clyde Suplex Smith...I like it.)
Brenda
Norman
Norm
Carla
Carl
Karl
Vera(another one that should never have gone away. Vera is a sexy, sexy name.)

O.k, I'm exhausted. I'll keep my eye peeled for others.

(P.S. Bible names like Moses and Ezekiel and Malachi are out of consideration because they are so fucking dead its just ridiculous. )

I'm really only considering names common in America, but one German name has to be on this list. Adolf was pummeled out of existence by Hitler. He totally ruined that name forever. Way to go, assface.

Robbie has suggested Leonard and Gerald. Lets think about these nominees. I can not honestly say that I know a Leonard, Leo or Gerald. In the world of sports I know of Gerald Wallace and not a single Leonard. But, come to think of it Robbie, I only know as many Geralds as I do Robbies. One. Robbie Keane and Robbie Stienbvroidhrgoi or whatever. So, your plan to execute Leo and Gerald has backfired and it's now your name which is on the chopping block. Don't make me do this, hit me up with some examples of your boyish name fool.